What am I doing ?

Hello little lady,

How are you, sweetheart? It's been long since I wrote you. Dad's life is standstill where it was. It's more stable than it was last year I would say. There are still some questions that bother me, every night when I try to sleep. Today I want to discuss few such with you dear. It's going to be hard to articulate but I will try.

In brief, the questions are, what am I doing? What do I want? What do I plan? It's pitiful that I do not have any answer to this right now. I always had very definitive yet simple answers to these but don't know what happened lately. At times I feel I have lost myself completely. I always wanted to be happier with my peoples around. Academically, I had some goals. And about plan, I hope to tell you about that someday. When I go past and think about all these, it makes me sad. Like yes, I do a job now, that keeps me busy in weekdays and also I must admit that, had it been not there, I probably would have drowned. It gives me a much needed escape everyday. But oh dear, one thing I have realized, no matter how much you run, one can not escape those fundamental questions that they are answerable to themselves only. You must be thinking, why don't I do what I want to do, right? Darling, believe me, I tried my best, I am trying still. I really don't know how to overcome this. I wish from my heart that you never give up on your dreams, ever. It feels so heavy. Everything else can be corrected. But when one gives up on their dreams, it makes them numb inside.

Let me tell you a story. I went on a trek last December. I met a guy, he boarded our car on the way to Lohajung. He is a trekking instructor and more interestingly he coaches handicapped peoples. I was curious about what made him choose to pick this as a career. What I heard was phenomenal. He had a sever bike accident that caused him 22 bone fractures. He never thought he would climb again. And yes, you know what comes next. People in trauma tries to find the easiest escape. He became chronic alcoholic and eventually everything started misplacing one after another. He told me how did he overcome. But most important is what made him try again. Basic answer lies in purpose. He lost his dreams, ambitions everything. That created a huge void, indeed, I agree. But with time he realized that he was never alone. He felt the pain of not being able to do something one wishes. He got his purpose. From that day, he tried with his best capacity to do something for handicapped. And that led him to where he is today.

I think it is important to have a grand purpose to life. I agree that the purpose evolves with time and that's okay. At times life hits so bad that giving up might seem easier. That's the time when this purpose will drive you.

"One day, you'll leave this world behind
So live a life you will remember..."

I hope you always find the courage to go venture far beyond the shores. Dad's just a call apart. I'll guide you home no matter where you are, always. 

Yours only,

Dad